Daily Living

My son is sick, again, except for this time it is pneumonia the day before his birthday. .

Love is a sin

I just want to die. There is no truth in this world. . no real truth, only pain and misfortune. . it is so pointless, so ridiculous. You love someone and then their gone, or you love someone and they are incapible of loving you back. Even when they say they love you, there is no real reassurances, only in their actions, and their actions prove that their words lie. So love is pointless, life is pointless, death is pointless, so what is there to do?!? I just wish it was all over, or it never happened, or that this was all a cruel dream and i no longer existed. . I just want it all to be gone, to be over, to stop, end. . It hurts too much!! I am so tired of crying, of hurting, of thinking i am loved only to be proved undeniably wrong. . god, if there is a god, i just want it to end. . There is no point, no beginning, no nothing. . it wont matter in a month, in a year. In any amount of time. . Ever. I wont do it my self so just strike me down by lightning, have a bus hit me. . im probably going to die of cancer anyways, like most of my generation. We are all already doomed. . just end this shit now, cause i cant take it much longer.. I am so tired of hurting, of dying, of being murdered by this pain. . my nightmares are never ending.. please just take them all away. I don't want to feel anything any more. None of it matters in the least. Just make it all be gone. . please.

One day I'll fly away. .

Sometimes I wonder about the validity of life. It seems like if you get excited about the world, have dreams and ambitions, then you are sure to die before you achieve what it is you breath for. .or if you just want to live, have that drive, you are doomed. . Makes me wonder what the point in being excited about anything is. .what the point of being alive is. .why go through needless suffering like that. . I wonder if these thoughts are terribly unusual or if I have just experienced so much loss from such a young age that I am unable to see a different way in the world. . I almost feel that if I don't live. .don't try, then maybe I will have a shot and not losing the people I love. . I know it is impossible, but, god, I am so scared of losing anyone else I love. . I don't know how I would recover from one more loss. .

Thoughts 11.21.11

I don't understand how life can be full of so much pain. There is just no reasoning to it. We cling so fervently to the idea that there is something beyond, is that only so we can ignore the feelings of hopelessness that emerge when we grasp at the moment and realized that there may not ever be any meaning, no beyond, no life after this? If a person lives a life of little meaning then one would not find it to be such a tragedy when they died, but what of when a person clings to life and the very essence of every moment with true joy and immersion? Does that create more of a tragedy? What of those who lived a life that was never seen, never heard. Are they any less missed, or should they be any less missed? Pain and darkness are a constant state that exists in compliance with joy and light. You can not have one without the other, and if you have neither one then it is unlikely you have a shard of the other. I think that perhaps what one may take as feeling empty may actually be an all consuming feeling that is too strong for us to even register that it is there. Who would want to feel that burning desire yet have it coupled with feelings of complete loss and abandonment? I think that it either must be nothing or all, what I am trying to understand is why the belief in one or the other has such a profound impact on ones life and decisions. . I guess because if there is something it makes you want to try harder because it is not all in vain, and if there is nothing then there is no point to begin with except animal drive. I don't understand how there could be an in between, but there must be. . there must be something. .Something that I can not yet see or understand. .but it has to be there.

Life

So I am sitting here, contemplating what life is, what it may possibly mean, and so forth, and I am drawing a blank. I mean, I really have no clue. I know that I am alive, that I love my family, and that there has to be something more than what I am doing right now, because if this is all that life is then it is mostly pointless. I have a problem with people who have kids then act like their only purpose in life is to make sure that the kids have a good life. I mean, yes, it is important to be a good parent, but how good of a parent are you if you are only giving the child the example that life is so limited instead of you, yourself, also living? I feel like I am stuck in a rut and it is not making me happy. Don't get me wrong, I love my man, I love my child, I love my family. But come on, I don't feel like I am succeeding on a personal level. I don't feel like I am really doing much of anything for the world, and surely not for myself. Is this what being a mom amounts to? If you watch the movies or television you will quickly come to believe that there is no balance. You are either a bad mother with a life, or a perfect mother with no life. My god. I need to get out of the house.

Me and my love. .

I am beginning to again remember a part of who I am, someone who I seem to forget. . I guess it is not a part so much as my core being. .

I guess there are either one of three choices that are pretty much presented about what happens after we die. That would be

1) nothing, you are simply dead. Non existent. Nothing. This idea would lead to the realization that there is no such thing as the soul, it is all just inborn traits that we are biologically born with that make us act, feel, love, live. More self awareness than other animals, but nothing real or ever lasting.

2) you go to either heaven or hell. You are either rewarded for living a life that god has set as proper and right, not breaking all of his rules, and being one of god's servants; or you are punished for being a sinner, damned to eternal hells for whatever proposed laws that you have broken whether or not you are a generally good person. All you have to do is be of a rational mind and flip to any page of the bible to know that this doesn't truly make any sense, logically or ethically.

this would than generally leave us the third option -

3) you do have a soul, and your afterlife (or whatever you would call it) is either determined a) by your own mindset about what you believe will happen ( which may be a heaven or hell if that is what you are dead set in believing in) b) some sort of. . I wouldn't call it higher power. . I am actually not entirely sure what the word would be. . and your soul continues on until you have truly achieved what it is you are meant to. This would encompass the idea of reincarnation, as well as others.

There are many things that we can not begin to say that we know with certainty, there surely isn't much that I would say I know with certainty, though there are a few things. I think there becomes a battle of the human, biological mind and the true soul, who you are on a much deeper level. I think that stripped of any human responses, the true soul would act one way, while stripped of a soul the biological human would act another way completely (speaking of the same being). This would mean that there is a battle always raging between the two in people, and I don't even suppose I would say all, or even most people. Some people may even be pushing it. I do not believe that the general population has enough self awareness to even recognize that they have a soul, and if they do than to understand what a soul truly is.

I believe that it is important to be able to connect with who we are, that there is a kind of intuneness with the universe that can not be apparent unless we are able to connect with it. I do not believe that the universe is random, because even in chaos there is order. Although I believe that every individual has to make choices, and has to live with the following consequences, that there is still a certain order.

For example I would use a map. Say that before life there is this big map, larger and more infinite that the mind can actually comprehend, and this map is layed before you on a table. Any random place on the map could be the place that you will come into this earth. Some would say we had a choice, but perhaps the person showing you just randomly stuck a knife in it and said - there you go. Now from this spot there are so many different roads that it is not possible to imagine, because each and every road is a choice. And not all of them are our choices, because every individual is affected by the choices of others on an almost daily basis.

While this map is layed out before you lets say this other person hands you a list. This may be a list of things that you are supposed to do in your life, things that you are supposed to learn, things that you are supposed to experience. You may look at it and say, damn this sucks, but hey, ok I'm game.

Now in everything that exists, there are pairs. Things that compliment each other. Yin and yang, man and woman, flowers and humming birds, dark and light, good and bad. One person can not be complete either, because the soul is split into parts, because nothing is meant to be fully self sustaining, it would defeat the whole purpose of anything existing.

While you are looking at this list, you know that it is going to be ok, even through all the bad, hard, and painful things listed, because you know that you are also given the chance to pair up with the other half of who you are, given the chance to be made whole. This may seem quite simple because you know at that moment that you are separate, yet one. You can sense that other half from anywhere, you can feel the pull. You do not remember the separation from before, because in human form there are so many other attributes, the human biological pull, that make it harder to find the other part of you. Make it hard to focus, remember who you truly are, what you are supposed to fulfill. You are simply a soul, unhindered by the handicaps that come with life, yet you also remember that life is amazing, and you can only learn and become more from living.

Your soul is pulled into the world, the world of the living. You do not even know who you are anymore, and it is not terrible while you are young, usually, because it is like amnesia. You may have a sense of something that happened before the amnesia at times, but for the most part you are oblivious. After time your inner self may start to scream at you more, louder, so you are able to finally start to see it, hear it, know who you are, and you may begin to have a feeling that there is something you are supposed to do, you are meant to do. You begin to feel like you are missing something, because by this time you are truly missing the other part of yourself. Just like the human body needs oxygen, you need to be complete, whole. So you start looking while you live, driven by an urge that you can not explain, doing things that do not always make sense, but are actually leading you to the other part of yourself. Driven by that deep rooted connection that tells you where that person is.

I think that once you find this person, are able to restore this connection, than there is also a list for what you should accomplish together, but I do not know that it was revealed before. I think it is something that we feel, we know. Something that we instinctively do, because we are only able to do so as one. We are only able to see as one. It is something we can only begin to feel when we are connect to the other part of our self.

This than leads me to my first sentence. I am beginning to remember who I am. . something I forgot when I was away from you. Something that I hadn't known I had forgotten until you came back to me. It is also something that I know I will never forget again. I am not whole without you. My soul mourns your presence being gone. It starves from depression. While I am able to physically more forward, I remain stagnant in a spiritual nature. I need you to be fulfilled, just as I need air to breath. I need you in order to be what I am supposed to be. I need you in order to truly live.