One day I'll fly away. .

Sometimes I wonder about the validity of life. It seems like if you get excited about the world, have dreams and ambitions, then you are sure to die before you achieve what it is you breath for. .or if you just want to live, have that drive, you are doomed. . Makes me wonder what the point in being excited about anything is. .what the point of being alive is. .why go through needless suffering like that. . I wonder if these thoughts are terribly unusual or if I have just experienced so much loss from such a young age that I am unable to see a different way in the world. . I almost feel that if I don't live. .don't try, then maybe I will have a shot and not losing the people I love. . I know it is impossible, but, god, I am so scared of losing anyone else I love. . I don't know how I would recover from one more loss. .

Thoughts 11.21.11

I don't understand how life can be full of so much pain. There is just no reasoning to it. We cling so fervently to the idea that there is something beyond, is that only so we can ignore the feelings of hopelessness that emerge when we grasp at the moment and realized that there may not ever be any meaning, no beyond, no life after this? If a person lives a life of little meaning then one would not find it to be such a tragedy when they died, but what of when a person clings to life and the very essence of every moment with true joy and immersion? Does that create more of a tragedy? What of those who lived a life that was never seen, never heard. Are they any less missed, or should they be any less missed? Pain and darkness are a constant state that exists in compliance with joy and light. You can not have one without the other, and if you have neither one then it is unlikely you have a shard of the other. I think that perhaps what one may take as feeling empty may actually be an all consuming feeling that is too strong for us to even register that it is there. Who would want to feel that burning desire yet have it coupled with feelings of complete loss and abandonment? I think that it either must be nothing or all, what I am trying to understand is why the belief in one or the other has such a profound impact on ones life and decisions. . I guess because if there is something it makes you want to try harder because it is not all in vain, and if there is nothing then there is no point to begin with except animal drive. I don't understand how there could be an in between, but there must be. . there must be something. .Something that I can not yet see or understand. .but it has to be there.